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| Mablethorpe CSI even? |
I'm not wearing any socks with my white Gucci loafers with tassels, and my Armani suit is a pastel shade of fuchsia combined with a faded cornflower-blue t-shirt but I ask you, what else would be suitable for driving my snarling black Morris Minor Daytona convertible up and down Mablethorpe seafront at high speed?
If you can hear the Jan Hammer music playing in your head then you're as old as I am!
Just completed a very peculiar-feeling assignment today: images of a "legal" nature. Technical photos rather than photo-photos. Photos for evidence rather than edification.
No names, no pack drill, but there had been a certain amount of violence involved and there were bits of bent metal and broken glass all over the place.
Twas most odd indeed to have to throw the look and feel of a set of photographs right out of the window and to worry only about getting mandatory standard views. Height of camera tripod to be set exactly, shadows to be filled in with an icky-yucky amount of blasted flash and generally every artistic rule (and broken rule) in the book ignored. Time and date to be accurately set and displayed for possible reference by the courts, images to be supplied "as is" directly out of the camera with EXIF data intact, instead of via Photoshop, and all taken in a strict, pre-defined order. Eek! Time alone will tell whether I did my job properly.
Lack of variety is not a problem in this peculiar profession.
I think I successfully managed to assume the combined personas of Mully & Sculder on a good day, or possibly that of some random professional taken from CSI.
Oddly, there were mutterings from the crowd about the arrival of Juliet Bravo's elderly aunty as I stepped out of my car, but I couldn't see her anywhere.
OK, alright already, I admit it; I probably looked much more like Miss Marple's vintage assistant, Mr Stringer. So be it then. Mr Stringer it will be from now on! That's much more "me" anyway ...
Tweed cap and a Box Brownie. The prints will be ready a week on Thursday, Your Honour. Colour or black & white?
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| The greatest crime-fighting duo of all time! Miss Marple and Mr Stringer. |
You must have the films developed immediately, Mr Stringer ... the Colonel may very well have done away with Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick. Or then again, he may not.
Oh but Miss Marple, I do so fear that my finger or thumb may have been in front of the lens at some crucial juncture ...
Stout heart, Mr Stringer, get them developed and we shall see.
But Miss Marple, they were all digital images.
Digital? What is that, something to do with the position of the digits? No matter how rude, Mr Stringer, no matter how rude, we must have those images. Remember that Mr Churchill was apt to offer a couple of communicatory digits and we could not expect the underworld to be any more than impolite.. Away with you and quick about it, Mr Stringer, time and tide, time and tide. ...
Altogether an interesting day. Odd, but interesting. Interesting but not, I hope, a full-time new profession. I still prefer weddings, motorsports and swanky events!
And anyway, for another thing, my knees get cold so easily.
tee hee
ReplyDeleteI went to Mablethorpe once
it was shut.
speaking of Margaret Rutherford
my chris was once given one of her capes
I'm president of the Margaret Rutherford Fan Club. It's time we dug her up and made her Prime Minister.
ReplyDeleteHmmn, I saw you much more as the Albert Campion type - well-bred and slightly mysterious!
ReplyDeleteAh - now that IS a persona to emulate! I shall give it some thought immediately!
DeleteWow, you've branched out into being a crime-scene photographer! As for emulating Mr. Stinger, I certainly hope you don't have his dainty knees. Thanks for providing the links for the benefit of us Yanks. I am learning a lot about your side of the pond.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much more work there's going to be, but it WAS an interesting day!
DeleteI have the legs of a rugby player and the knees of a rather hirsute rhinocerousaurus - hairy and built to last! I think they must have been fitted by mistake. Possibly they were all that was left after my other limbs and organs had been swept up from the maternity ward floor and some kind soul decided to put together one last Hutson ...
By a remarkable coincidence, a blogger from your part of the world has recently published a crime novel called The Mablethorpe Connection. I recommend neither the blog nor the novel, but mention them to keep you informed. What would you do if you were asked to photograph a dead body?
ReplyDeleteSet the camera to "paparazzo" mode and hope that my finger didn't slip off the trigger as I passed out and fell in a heap on the rest of the evidence.
DeleteI'm not good with gore. Can't even watch slapstick because it hurts me every time someone falls over. I must have a touch of the Red Dwarf "Justice Field" in my DNA.
Interesting blog you mention, I shall investigate further and see what steps need to be taken (denial of service attacks, rumour-mongering, that sort of thing).
Margaret Rutherford HAS to be my favourite actress. I've not seen Miami Vice, but aren't Americans all such chavs; if the UK was the USA, they'd all have to live in Essex.
ReplyDeleteMargaret Rutherford's only failings are that she shook a double-six and didn't make enough films while she was alive. As the years go by I am starting to look more and more like a male version of her. Magnificent woman.
DeleteTsk tsk Mr Magnon in re our ex-colonial chums! The experiment is not over yet and the seed-population was religion-based rather than drawn from one county. We must wait for the comparative data to come in from Australia, Hong-Kong, India and Rhodesia before we present any snap-judgements to the board.
Sheesh! I just imagined Essex the same size as North America and with a county population of 350 million. Aaaarghh!
I am sure it will be no surprise to you, Sir Owl, if I point out the ‘Daytona’ was a fiberglass copy on a Corvette chassis. At least your Drop Top Moggie is honest.
ReplyDelete“And anyway, for another thing, my knees get cold so easily”
Yet you romp gaily along frosted lanes at night and launch yourself through hedgerows clad only in a monocle?
Ah yes, but when launching through hedgerows with dignity akimbo I am warmed by the thrill of the chase (and I pre-heat my monocle before leaving the house).
DeleteOf the two guys from Miami Vice, I assume you were supposed to be the one with the big bird...
ReplyDeleteAnd I would think, Mr. Stringer, that if you've graduated to digital, you could also graduate to long pants (well, trousers in your language).
I so very rarely wear trousers under my raincoat anyway that it would be a waste to purchase expensive full-length trousers.
DeleteSurely you could slip in a bit of artistic license into these shots? A bit of classy framing, or some lens flare to spruce up dull metal and glass piles? Honestly, some police have no appreciation for style.
ReplyDeleteThe latest one was a bit of a car wreck - a very black car against a low winter sun and "please to fill in the shadows so the detail shows". Fill in the shadows? I'd have to use a white paintbrush! Give it a while and I'll have them asking for sepia tone and cross-processing, and please to airbrush out the icky blood.
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