You may have revelled, as did I, in the astounding news a few days ago that I now have an intermittent single bar of mobile telephonium signal at my abode (following Orange PLC allowing Virgins PLC to use their network and indulge in vice, or versa, or something similar).
Well - I just received my first single-bar telephone call!
Yee-hah! I present the gospel transcript verbatim, below.
CALLER: Is this Mr Jonathan da Souza?
ME: Is there no-one more local that you could ask? Someone perhaps in your immediate vicinity?
CALLER: Excuse me?
ME: Naturally.
CALLER: Is this Mr da Souza?
ME: Don't you have a name badge or something? Perhaps there's someone at the front desk who might help you? A security guard or receptionist...
CALLER: I need to know if this is Mr Jonathan da Souza.
ME: I so understand, identitiy crisis can be so disconcerting, especially in the evening. Do you perhaps have a mirror handy and a wallet with a photo-ID Driving Licence?
CALLER: What?
ME: I was thinking that you might look in the mirror and make comparison with the photo on your Driving Licence. Then all you have to do is read off the name... It may even have your home address and date of birth.
CALLER: Look, who is this?
ME: Are you showing me a photograph? I don't have video capability at this end, this is my old Nokia mobile...
CALLER: What number have I dialled?
ME: I'm not certain - I wasn't watching because my phone didn't ring until you'd finished dialling. You've reached me though, that's for certain.
CALLER: So you're not Jonathan da Souza?
ME: You've started to make me wonder if I ought to be. Is there any money involved? I could be Mr da Souza if there's money and no danger - do you want to know what I'm wearing?
CALLER: I think I have the wrong number.
ME: The wrong number of what? Some things aren't critical in terms of numbers. Have you decided whether you are Mr da Souza yet or whether I am? It won't affect what I'm wearing.
CALLER: No problem. Thank you. [Dialling tone follows]
ME: Oh - such a shame, I was just about to say "... crumpled boxer shorts off the hip, one sock at half mast and I'm holding a fish-slice made by Habitat"...
I LOVE the telephonium when I'm not in the mood for it. If only the poor chap had begun by asking 'Am I speaking to ...' or 'I would like to speak to Mr Jonathan da Souza' things might have been so much less confusing. A 'Hello' or a 'Good evening' or even, heaven forfend, an 'I am XYZ calling from ABC etc etc' would have tempted me away from being crabby and evil. But no, he dived straight in with the usual modern imperative and cooked his own goose. I assume that he was from one of those "call centre" things or selling triple glazing or accidental no-win no-fee compensation. The kind where they think that they have a right to establish who they are speaking to before introducing themselves. for security purposes.
No-one seems to teach businesses how to behave on the telephone these days. At least he wasn't entirely in TXT SPK I suppose, that's something. Will they ever understand that if they are calling on business then it is their business and, unless solicited, I have no vested interest in its outcome, as in I couldn't give a fig?
I may leave the one-bar mobile permanently switched on if it's going to be this much fun.
Reminds me of that lovely day in the nineteen eighties when I worked in Her Majesty's Civil Service and rang an office, politely asking for emergency stationery supplies. Some chap sounded exasperated and bellowed in vocal caps lock - 'Do you know who you're talking to?' I replied 'No - do you?' He was foolish enough then to confirm that he had no idea either at which point I took the "civil" out of "service" and made some very immoral and acrobatically-challenging suggestions as to how he might spend the rest of his morning (this was in the days long, long before caller-id). Classic, and we got our emergency stationery elsewhere.
My father taught me all I know about using the telephone. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening sitting in front of it in case it rings again... I may assume a falsetto and be Elspeth McGillicuddie I think, or possibly Churchill in The Cabinet Office.
Good heavens Sir, are you expecting call centre johnnies to have paid attention when they studied 'how to speak proper' during a school English lesson?
ReplyDeleteG'Morning Mr Magnon - well, to add a touch of the subservient underling about the tone, yes... I wonder what he wanted and who this "da Souza" gentleman is/was and who wanted him?
ReplyDeleteI wish you had recorded that conversation. Brilliant comedy writing. "The wrong number of what?" But we (and he) may never know if it was Mr. Jonathan de Souza.
ReplyDeleteHi Mitch - I love telephone calls from pompous or rude sales folk, they're so easy to wind up. Another favourite of mine is to reply to stray emails, I have a few domain names and often get mis-addressed mail. Just before Christmas I got to choose what someone wanted to eat at their office meal, hopefully they enjoyed the peculiar combination I sent back to the restaurant!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Love it! We have "caller I.D." on our home phones and I use it to weed out telemarketers.
ReplyDeleteI was shy as a kid and I remember finding it difficult to make phone calls. ONce I called my friend Rebecca, and her Dad answered. I said "Is Rebecca there?" and he said "Yes." Long silence. "Uh, may I speak to her?" Ever since, I say "May I speak to so-and-so?" when I make a phone call. But I still think Rebecca's Dad was mean to kids!
I bow to your superior mind-fuck skills.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely wonderful.
My pet peeve (don't go there) are these dreadful people who think if they start the conversation with'hello, how are you today?' I'll be more receptive. Now I have printed off your genius transcript and pinned it up by the telephone I will be fully equipped in future. Utter Genius!
ReplyDelete