My smoke alarms are the sort that shout extremely loudly in an American accent - "Fire! Fire! Fire!" or "Carbon Monoxide! Carbon Monoxide!" or "Low BATTERY! Low BATTERY!" and even "TOO LATE - YOUR DONKEY* IS TOAST FROM COAST TO COAST, JUST KISS YOUR DONKEY* GOODBYE, SUCKER!".
(* Actually they shout "ass" but a. I'm English and b. translating "ass" into "arse" might be too rude if Mitch's Mother the Dowager Duchess wanders by.)
It's crazy. All I really need them to say is ... "COOKING! COOKING! IT'S JUST ABOUT READY! COME AND GET IT IF YOU DARE! WHITE SMOKE MEANS IT'S COOKING - BLACK SMOKE MEANS IT'S DONE!"
That's what they really mean anyway. They're all just too polite to say so.
You'd think that in this day and age at least the emergency technology would be truthful.
On a more positive note, my (ancient, pre-politically correct) talking alarm clock (I am more short-sighted than a bat) just says comforting things in Generic Knockoff-English like "Ha ha ha - you gotta now up get" and "Sleep over - you get lazy arse up now" and "Tee-hee-hee it really Sunday but I wake you normal time anyway - good joke hey?" and "Ouch - why you hit SNOOZE so hard?".
God, how I miss the staff.
I am laughing out loud (and I refuse to say LOL)! As I read DONKEY, I thought, "Oh The Dowager Duchess would be so pleased." And then I saw you had her ... and me ... in mind. What an honor. And, by the way, I hate those smoke alarms that screech when the batteries are low and then you can't get them to stop! Damn their asses.
ReplyDeleteIn honor of the last day of the year, I just thought I'd tell you how much I miss my NANNY, because without her I have to use one of those talking alarm clocks. She used to sew wonderful GUSSETS into my pajamas to give them that perfect fit. When they were loose, I would feel a terrible FRISSON.
Feliz año nuevo!
My oldest son owns a big German car that becomes more and more angry if ignored. For example, if you forget to attach your seatbelt it simply hints that you might like to attach it. If you continue to ignore its warning, it ups the tempo and begins to shout. Then if you still do nothing it goes completely BONKERS.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure your alarm isn't GERMAN?
Mitch - I have asked the School Secretary to record ten extra Merit Points in your medical records. Nannies do so much for us and we hardly ever recognise it until it's too late and they are marching off to war with their regiment, usually towing a couple of field guns.
ReplyDeleteCro - I have similarly scary technology and I wonder if this is the beginning of true AI (artificial "intelligence" there, rather than "insemination"). What next? Fridges that refuse to open for that extra beer or third slice of cheesecake? Cameras that won't operate when discreetly held over the neighbour's garden fence at a 45° angle early every Wednesday afternoon?
Our farmhouse used to be owned by the chief of the local volunteer firefighters. Consequently we have four battery-operated smoke detectors, four hard-wired smoke detectors, four fire extinguishers and two C02 detectors. It gets very noisy in here when someone burns the toast.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want your alarm clock!
I can honestly say that I am guilty of leaving a pot boiling at home and leaving it. I always remember and head back home to turn it off but one of these days ill be glad i have a fire alarm.
ReplyDeleteHi BragonDorn - sounds like me, get thirty miles away from home and can't remember shutting the front door so have to turn around...
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!